


separation anxiety

by divybread



Series: Fanxing AU Drabble Fest [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drabble Collection, Love, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-05 09:11:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13384680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/divybread/pseuds/divybread
Summary: entirely based off the song separation anxiety by nell





	separation anxiety

**Author's Note:**

> the first of a series of drabbles i wrote that weren't originally fanxing but are now because why the hell not? exactly.

**h** e sits in the corner of the room, back leaning against the wall, face hidden in his hands. the room is dark, the curtains drawn, not allowing the daylight to slip inside. it would be too much to handle, anyway. he’s almost certain it might even burn him if it touches skin. it’s too bright outside, too much like nothing’s wrong. too much sound, as well, from people spending time together, enjoying themselves. families, maybe. couples. he doesn’t know. it doesn’t matter.

he’ll never be like them. he’ll never be able to be like them, because there is a tightness in his chest they’ve never known. there is a stabbing hurt inside of him that no one else can understand. because they have each other. they have others. they are not alone.

but he’s not crying. he isn’t.

his sleeves are just wet on their own.

_there’s a strange lack of oxygen surrounding just me_  
_i can’t breathe and i feel confined, like i’m going crazy_  
_my feet are above the clouds and beneath them heaven disintegrates_  
_as my tears get blown away_

**h** e remembers the quiet of nights spent in the nook of an arm, the way body warmth would be shared, the way lips would occasionally land in his hair, leaving soft, warm kisses. he remembers the reassurance of another person. someone who loved him. he remembers parties and the loudness of people not bothering him in the slightest. he remembers soft words whispered into his ear at night, cuddled up together under the blankets. he remembers the smell of breakfast in the air and the smile of the one turning back to face him when he entered the kitchen.

he remembers the disappointment in those eyes, the sad lines around those lips. he remembers the pain and the sadness he created. he remembers falling to his knees, staring at the retreating back of the person who’d meant the world to him, crying out with every inch of him for the other male to stay.

but he’d never made any noise.

and the door had closed.

_don’t leave me_  
_don’t leave me_  
_don’t leave me_

_okay?_

**t** here’s a phone in his hand, the speed dial number right below his thumb. he’s staring out of the window, thinking of all the times when he’d been able to press that number without hesitation. all the times someone had come for him when he’d done so. he remembers the comforting arms around his shoulders, the whispered hushes, the reassurance in that voice. he remembers the little ball of light that had slowly grown inside of his chest.

he knows it’s his own damn fault that he doesn’t have that anymore. he knows he fucked up to the worst degree. but still somehow it feels like things could be better. if only he’d be given another chance. if only the arms would come back around him, the lips would smile again for him, the voice would whisper to him once more.

he waits for the door to open and for yixing to show up again.

to tell him it’s all going to be okay.

_it’s rather hard being me_  
_i’m broken, i realise this_  
_but it’d be wonderful if you didn’t give up on me._  
_if only i could get fixed, i’d actually be rather beautiful_  
_so don’t give up on me, i beg of you_

~~i~~ t’s late. the curtains are drawn back, allowing him to look outside. despite the night’s dark, there is light everywhere. a testimony to the lives lived out there, to the people enjoying themselves, enjoying each other’s company. enjoying the warmth of a loved one’s touch. he watches with empty eyes the way other people sparkle and shine, much like those lights. he can’t feel the same way they do, after all, not anymore.

he’s been hoping for things to change, he’s been hoping that everything that happened would be undone by a simple reaching out. he’s been hoping, and then slowly losing hope, that things might still turn out alright. eventually, as he gave up hope that maybe yifan would reach out himself, he decided to text him himself.

it’s been four hours.

there still hasn’t been a reply.

_the shadow of loss seems to surround only me_  
_spreading densely and somberly like poison_  
_faith is crumbling down_  
_and now you even take off with the final breath_  
_that struggled to make it through_

~~i~~ t’s always been like that, he knows. he knows he’s always the one reaching out, trying to bridge the new gap between them, attempting to keep them together as long as he can muster. it’s always been his efforts bringing them back together and unspoken gratitude shining out of those dark eyes. he’s always been the one to make things right again, to give in, to forgive.

then one night he just couldn’t anymore. he’d gone to a friend’s place rather than the bedroom. he hadn’t taken anything, just walked out the door and thrown it closed behind him. he’d stomped out of the building, left it all behind. he’d asked mina for a place to sleep and she’d let him in, muttering something that sounded like ‘hopeless.’ the entire night he’d just been waiting for yifan to text him, to not let it end like that.

but the sun had risen up to the highest point in the sky.

and his phone had stayed dark.

_don’t leave me_  
_don’t leave me_  
_don’t leave me_

_okay?_

~~t~~ he car keys are in his hand, his shoes tied, his jacket thrown over his left arm. he’s come to a stop halfway to the door, his eyes lingering on the phone in his right hand. the screen is dark, there is nothing there to see. he knows when he presses the home button it will light up with the date and time and nothing other than that, but he still gives it a try anyway. only to find out he was right to begin with.

his chest hurts, his heart aches. there are so many clichés made up about heartbreak and he’s feeling all of them at once. there’s a lump in his throat as his eyes temporarily go over to the door, considering whether or not he should leave. whether he should get in his car to find him or just to drive to an entirely different city and leave it all behind.

he waits for something, anything, the tiniest sign that yifan is thinking of him.

that maybe they can find each other again.

_it’s rather hard being me_  
_i’m broken, i realise this_  
_but it’d be wonderful if you didn’t give up on me_  
_if only i could get fixed, i’d actually be rather beautiful_  
_so don’t give up on me, i beg of you_

“ ~~y~~ ou know i love you, don’t you? more than you can imagine. more than i’ve ever loved anyone.”

a pause. hesitation. then, eventually, a quiet confession, murmured into the blanket.

“ **i** love you too.”

_don’t leave me_  
_don’t leave me_  
_don’t leave me_  
_don’t leave me_  
_don’t leave me_  
_don’t leave me_  
_don’t leave me_  
_don’t leave me_  
_don’t leave me_

**h** e looks out of the window, at the people below, lifts the phone in his hand up to eye height and stares at it, as if like that the person on the other side is going to hear him.

_don’t leave me_

~~h~~ e closes his eyes, temporarily going over all his options, considering every step he can take from there on out, before he puts himself into motion again.

_don’t leave me_

**h** is fingers fly over the keyboard, as if he’s afraid he’ll change his mind if he takes too long.

he eventually presses send.

_don’t leave me_  
_don’t leave me_  
_don’t leave me_

~~t~~ he phone lights up on the coffee table, where it’s been left behind.

nobody reads the message.

_‘ **d** on’t leave me.’ _


End file.
